Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari and Eric Klinenberg | Book Summary
Title: Modern Romance
Author: Aziz Ansari and Eric Klinenberg
Genre: Sociology
Finished: January 2022
Published: 2015
🚀 The Book in 3 Sentences
Technological and cultural shifts have transformed how we seek, choose, and interact with our romantic prospects and partners.
A much larger dating pool than previous generations has reinforced the notion of a ‘soul mate’ today, making it harder to find ‘the right person’ but potentially leading to more fulfilling relationships overall.
Once you find someone you get along with well, passionate love will shift to companionate love, which, while not as exciting, brings emotional connection and provides narrative meaning to your life.
🎨 Impressions
Very enjoyable and thought-provoking read. I felt Aziz’s journey throughout the book; it’s structured as much as a scientific investigation as it is a story of personal discovery and reflection. We follow Aziz through his initial hypotheses, the insights that surprise him, to the conclusions that he draws at the end.
There were a bunch of great studies and anecdotes throughout, but the standout for me was the experiment that talked about the maximiser vs satisficer mindsets. The study was about job seekers, but was easily applied to the search for the right partner, and at what point too many options and idealistic expectations become a burden to an individual and their love life.
The book gave me several moments of reflection like this, where my personal questions and struggles suddenly felt shared and universal. I liked the honest discussion of cheating and the motivations behind it, as well as the investigation into modern communication around love.
Lastly, Aziz’s voice came through really strongly. His comedic tone and unique court jester humour made it really fun to read.
📚 Who Should Read It
Those who are interested in psychology of love and relationships. Anyone in a relationship, or single, or somewhere in between.
☘️ How This Book Changed Me
I got a lot out of this book. I think it made me appreciate how normal my own anxieties about relationships are. People have struggled with similar challenges for millennia. Today’s technological and social context is just adding a modern twist.
🕵️♂️ How I Discovered It
Wanted to read this for a while. Been on my list since I heard about it, probably on Reddit.
✍️ My Top Four Quotes
“Online dating services should be called ‘online introduction services’. They enable you to go out and meet the person yourself.”
“That’s the thing about the Internet: It doesn’t simply help us find the best thing out there; it has helped to produce the idea that there is a best thing and, if we search hard enough, we can find it. And in turn there are a whole bunch of inferior things that we’d be foolish to choose.”
“Today, we can choose from what’s in every store, everywhere. We have far more opportunities to become maximizers than we would have had just a few decades ago. And that new context is changing who we are and how we live.”
"There are two ways of thinking of satisfaction. One is the passionate/companionate love hedonic view, that the best life would be the one with the most passion in it. The other is a narrative view, that the best life is about building a story.”
🤓 Further Reading
The Paradox of Choice by Barry Schwartz
